Did I wish you a Happy New Year yet?
If not, I hope you are having a good one. I'm not. And I'm pissed.
Between work woes, someone copying my bank card and cleaning me out and then the bank accusing me of lying ( and then criticizing my finances, to boot) and then the following story, this month has truly sucked. Did I tell you that I have to have surgery in a few weeks and just went through a major cancer scare in which I had to have TWO biopsies?
It's been great, I tell ya.
Anyway, let's get to the story. First, I have to admit that I have a very bad habit of not forgiving people. You screw with me once = you are dead to me. I am bullheaded and I have been accused of holding people to a ridiculously high standard, standards that I do not adhere to in my own life.
But there are reasons to why I do the things I do, and this is one of them.
So today, I check Facebook at lunch, and someone I know through the metal writing thing posts something stupid on his page. He starts off with "I'm not into black chicks, but......" and then goes one to laud someone he saw on a TV show. he said, "I would even allow her to take me out."
I commented that I thought he was a douchebag.
Now, this dude is a person of colour, and I've hung out in person with him a few times, and I quite liked him as a friend...... but did think that as a POC, he seemed to be one of those people who was trying very hard to make people forget that he wasn't. What bothered me about the statement was "I'm not into black chicks, but...."
Why say that, unless if you felt that some people who were going to read it would think less of you if you found a Black woman attractive? I swear, for some guys it's like admitting that you find a black woman attractive is like admitting that you have Herpes.
And I didn't like this:
I would even allow her to take me out.
Well, he was a bit mad at me. First, he texted me, and then responded via FB, asking me why I called him that. He then went on to say that - and didn't mention this, HE did - that he wasn't a racist. "I've been attracted to white girls since I was four or five." I won't give too much away, but if he wants to fuck white girls, so what? I responded that I didn't think what he said was racist, but just ignorant.
Well then his white friends - mostly female - commented. Some went after me personally, alluded to the fact that I was fat and a "big bitch" which was interesting, because I do not have a picture of me up on my page and I am not fat...... and yada yada yada, said that they only liked white girls...... and some other racialized language. Then someone got smart and removed me from the response thread, but they went on about Jews and Latinos, etc. Oh, but some of them were Jewish, so I guess that was okay! My 'friend' I guess so happy that he got some attention, egged them on.
When I got home from work, I promptly 'de-friended' him. I'm going to two events this year where I know he will be at, and I do not plan to talk to him ever again. For a minute I was having flashbacks to high school.......(shudder).
It wasn't that he didn't defend me - I guess he was angry that I called him on his shit. It was...hell, he seemed to go along with this other 'friends' on FB. We are were not close, but as a fellow POC, I thought he would be less of a fucking asshole, but as I mentioned before, I wasn't shocked.
Just a bit disappointed.
But I do not want to associate with people who know ignorant-ass hipster racists like he does.
By the way he reacted to my douchebag comment, I think he knew he was crossing a line with his statement. But instead of offering a rational explanation instead of "I like to fuck white girls and don't call me a racist" he tried to make me the guilty party by even calling him on it. I think what bothered me was that he is brown. I thought that perhaps he shouldn't cave in to the stupid, ignorant behaviour just so he can impress his friends.
But really, I don't give a shit what he has to do to make himself feel worthy. But dissing other POC's and Jewish folks is a no-no).
Anyway, this got me thinking about my book. I have to admit that consciously, when I was in the research phase I was looking for women who were into the metal and punk scenes who were 'concsious.' They had to be Black and proud of it, and were not using the music and/or culture to be accepted by whites - the majority in the scene. Luckily for me finding women like that was almost effortless. They knew what other people thought of them, and were proud to be seen as Black women who were simply involved in the scenes because it was important to them: Nothing less and nothing more. They were not out to get the white 'man's' approval; They were in it to troll for white boys ( but I have to admit: today's events got me reconsidering my lust for Matt Pike and Robert Trujillo - hell, he's Latino so I guess that's okay, right?) I mean, part of me thought, well because I have mad crushes on white / Latino boys in the scene, what does that say about me?
Admittedly I know that it is hard to be accepted as a POC in the scene - so I do not try to be accepted - you like me or you don't. I have met some great, cool people but I know to keep them at arms' length. Some I consider friends; most I do not. They fuffill the social part of me that loves going to shows and hanging out with like-minded metal fans, and only a few I have trusted enough to reveal parts of myself that exist outside of the music scene. On the other hand, I also have friends - mostly Black - who hate the music / scene I am into and do not understand why I do the things I do. I think that they begrudingly accept that it is part of me, but I also know that they talk about me behind my back. It's hard, but it's fair, I guess.
I do not like to be judged. And trust me, I get enough judgement every goddamned day as soon as I leave my apartment, so why the hell am I going to take it from people whose names I actually know? But in this scene as a 41year old- black woman, it is part and parcel of what I do.
So about my former 'friend:' what happened today was good. He reminded me of what garbage is out there, to not get too comfortable with people and to keep my guard up. If I ever do talk to him again - which is unlikely - I will say that he is better than that. He can be proud to be who he is, and he doesn't have to throw others under the racist bus to make himself more appeasing to others. I understand where he is coming from, and I understand that to him, he probably doesn't realize that there is a problem with his need for approval and acceptance.
But if people can say racist shit to you about others, what the hell do you think they are saying about you behind your back?