Responding to comments and 'Sexy but not Beautiful' Pt. 2

Yeah, if you haven't noticed, I rarely respond to comments. I read them all but for some reason - even though I greatly appreciate all the people who have taken the time out to read my unknown little blog - I am always hesitant. I don't know why........

Sometimes I think I am a little burnt out because part of my responsibilities at Blogher is that I have to respond to comments on my weekly posts. Most, 90% are positive and from regular posters so it is easy just to add a nice comment. The other ones I find a bit frustrating, not simply because they disagree with me (and even though I know I'm stubborn as hell, that's okay - I can take it) but it is just that I don't have the patience for people who take one sentence out of a 1,000 word post and analyze it to death and then come up with some irrational argument that is something totally different than what is being discussed in the post. But really, that is simply what comes with writing on the Web. People from all different parts of the world see things based on their experiences and what they feel is important to them, so there is little you can do about it.

Oh well. So this is an apology. I'd do better in the future.

There have been a few comments on posts that have stayed with me over the past few weeks that I wanted to riff on. My recent Sexy But Not Beautiful post didn't get a lot of comments, but that is not really a) surprising; or b) really relevant. It just got me thinking about how important is it that other people's observations factor into our everyday lives?

Over the past five years I have been blogging I have written extensively on racism or just how people's misconceptions affect an individual's lives for the worse. I still have a really hard time in accepting that someone's misconception of me could greatly affect my livelihood. One of the commenter's said that she doesn't care what people think of her aesthetics, and that is fine. But what happens if their opinion deters you from putting food on the table?

Something really disturbing happened recently to someone I know, a black woman who is slightly younger than me. I will not relay the story, but what happened made me think that if she was of another ethnicity or looked a 'different way' would the same set of circumstances have happened? The person that made her life miserable was her (now former) boss, and even though it was blatantly clear to many people  that he was being an asshat, he will not be reprimanded by his superiors. That bothered me because I know, sure as shit that if the powers that be were in that same situation they would be heading to the Ontario Human Rights Board. It also made me feel as though the superiors and this man in particular did not see this woman as being on the same level as them.

I'm kind of getting off the subject. The 'sexy but not beautiful' comment in retrospect, resonated with me because it was similar to many of the sentiments of ex-boyfriends of various ethnicities,etc I had experienced and after speaking to a couple of my black girlfriends who I relayed my observation to, a feeling that they experienced with the white guys they had dated. It resonates with that hidden fear that...well I can only speak for myself and what my friends tell me - is that when you are with a person - especially when you get to a certain age where you are more concerned with committed relationships than with one-night stands- that the person you are with will date you, but not take the relationship to the point where you want it to go because you are not being perceived as a beautiful, intelligent woman, but simply as a sex object. That you, regardless of your personal qualities are objectified over some stereotypical sexual traits that hinder anyone from taking you seriously as a valid partner - 'i.e good enough to fuck but not to marry.'

Sure, I know a lot of people are probably thinking now, "just stick with your own." Don't date outside of your race, or people that think like that are the assholes, so why would you want to be with them in the first place? Fair enough. But I would like to think of myself as a relatively intelligent person and my friends and acquaintances who I have discussed this with of also being pretty smart folks. We have all been around the block enough to avoid people whose behaviour from the get-go is pretty suspect, but what happens when you get deceived? Oh, there is also the "You will attract others who, if you love yourself, will see your greatness," so something like that. Yeah, I'm not so sure of that, either, as well as the common refrain among black people, at least-"black women are the most beautiful Nubian goddesses,"  Which yeah, I think black women are beautiful, but why does obtaining a relationship not just with non-black people, but even black men, have to be so hard? You might love your aesthetics but what happens when no one else does, and / or measures you by the tightness of your vagina?

Latoya over at Racialicious wrote a post about her best friend who has a penchant for dating white women - well, women with specific personality traits - that she found hurtful and hard to accept. I think - just my opinion folks - that it is more socially acceptable for brothers to date non-black women than vice-versa. When black women talk openly about their issues with this subject, they are accused of being jealous and that their opinions are just another example of why we are not desirable - or seen as legitimate mates. I'm not saying that is what happened to Latoya in this circumstance but just something I thought about when I read her post.

Here's a bit of her post that resonated with me:

In discussions of beauty - particularly those on women centered blogs - white women can understand being held up to an unrealistic standard of beauty. To be impossibly thin, impossibly blonde, impossibly clear skinned, with a body that defies the law of physics is presented as something that is attainable if you try hard enough and buy the right products, though many women find these efforts to be futile. What most of these conversations do not understand is that when black women pick up these kinds of magazines, or watch advertisements on TV, or popular television shows with popular white actresses, we do not get the message “try harder.”

The message we receive is never.

You will never look like this. Not if you straighten your hair, or lose weight, or work out every single day, or have the perfect body and the perfect wardrobe to match. Even if you fit all those requirements, you’re still “pretty for a black girl.” And if, for some reason, you do not fit these requirements, if your hair is frizzy or curly or kinky, if your thighs and ass will always keep your size in the double digits, if your features are not keen, if your skin tone is too deep, then there are many people who will never consider you beautiful.

They will never see who you are.

I remember reading an online conversation where a (presumably white) commenter had said “Well, every where I go, I hear Black is Beautiful!”

And I thought to myself yes, because that has to be stated - over and over again - for people to begin to believe it. The idea that white is beautiful is so common, so throughly saturated in our society, that is does not need mentioning.

It is just fact.

You have to read the comments, which are interesting and kudos to Latoya for being so honest. I don't really like talking about interracial relationships as they make feel feel kinda hopeless, frustrated and even more cynical than I already am, but I just wanted to riff a bit more on my original post.