I suck at networking....

Since my cellphone battery died and I can't call my best friend to commiserate, I am going to waste your time. I gotta get this out. This is one of the great things about having a blog as it sometimes (well, especially in the last couple of months) a self-masturbatory device. I can bitch and complain all I want to a bunch of strangers who might or might not really care, but hell, in this case, I am willing to take a risk.

What risk, you might ask?

Of looking like a insecure asshole. Which is how I feel right now.

So the networking thing. I just got back from attending an event downtown where two of the guests were people that I had really wanted to meet, as I greatly admired their work. So after they finished the panel they were on, the people I was sitting with all left to talk to the two guys. I was left alone in the room, wondering if I should join them. Finally I said to myself, fuck it, grabbed my jacket and joined the group of writers who surrounded the two guys. I edged myself into the group and introduced myself to one of the guys, who is the editor for a very popular magazine. I didn't know exactly what to say, but I knew that I needed to put myself out there...maybe get some advice, drum up a good contact, who knows?

So this is what comes out of my mouth: "does your magazine cover black rock?" In hindsight, what I meant to ask if the magazine, which I know covers all kinds of music, would be interested in stories about black rock musicians.

The guy just looks at me like I'm an idiot. "What do you mean by black rock? Blacks invented rock."

"Umm, well it's just l write about rock and am interested in black rock artists," I said, feeling like a fool. The guy proceeds to tell me that there are no such things as black rock artists, or for that matter, black rock, and he doesn't understand my point. I tried to say something that would make me sound more intelligent, but it didn't go well. He says that he doesn't understand why black people make such a big deal about black people in the scene, saying that they were whining about not being included in a genre that they created. I asked him if he felt that black folks weren't really feeling rock music, and used Mos Def''s The New Danger as an example, to which he responded with "well, maybe it wasn't very good." Umm. O.K. Maybe not a great example.........

The conversation went further downhill from there, as I tried to continue a conversation, even though I was beginning to feel that it wasn't going anywhere. He told me that he makes music with a member of a prominent black punk band, and grew up on rock and punk, and said that he was once a geeky kid who liked rock music and so what? I said (stupidly) that I grew up listening to Judas Priest, and he interjected, saying something like, "so you were a geeky girl who likes metal, So what?" I took that as, so what, is that my hook? Is that all I can offer? After that, another person joined in on the conversation, and I slunk away. As the rest of the group was going out with the two guests, I said my goodbyes and crawled out of the building.

It wasn't what he said that bothered me so much, it was my reaction. I felt that what interested me as a writer ( which among other subjects is covering black rock artists) was suddenly irrelevant and I felt that all the years I had been writing about it and even speaking at a conference about this issue, was wasted silly time. I felt like I was a newbie, ignorant idiot, trying to impress him. Here was this guy, well-respected and knowledgeable from a national magazine and he just dissed me. I was also embarrassed as there were people that I know, all Hip-Hop writers, were there, and they probably thought I was an asshole too. Now to be fair, if I hadn't been so nervous perhaps I could have come up with a better conversation line. But I felt like I suddenly didn't belong, so I left.

But as I waited for a streetcar to come, I felt as though this stranger had just discredited me, that I wasn't part of the cool group, that my interests were perhaps a cause of my own feeling ( a feeling that up until that point I tried to conceal, somewhat successfully to most people I know who don't read this blog ) of not belonging into...well, any group - of feeling like a misfit. I don't know why I put so much importance on what this person thought, but I was so mad at myself for bungling up the conversation. And while he came off as a bit of an arrogant jerk, he was simply giving me his opinion. I don't know.

Anyway, I gotta suck it up an move on. The more I get into the writing game, the more conversations I have and the more I will probably bungle. That's life, I guess - even though i had the sudden urge to enter therapy - or maybe just a stiff drink.

Comments

[~Macarena~]

Beware of (s)he who discounts race. That guy should have known that, after blacks invented rock, record companies used white singers to market the songs. Hence the abomination that is Pat Boone singing Little Richard. Pretending that we've come so far that it's no big deal is just that: pretending.

The only black rocker I can think of is Lenny Kravitz. Maybe that guy couldn't think of any, and felt stupid. I think he also felt threatened because you're female and you dared to speak to him.

[the izza]

writing's not fucking' fighting, man. FIGHTING'S fighting. Pfft.

[joe tornatore]

living, like writing, is fighting.

[Alejandra]

Hello,

I just stumbled onto your blog and wanted to chime in on this post because I've also experienced similar things. I'm also trying to break into the writing thing and so I understand how nervewracking it can be when you meet someone that you perhaps build up a bit in your head. That guy's behavior was inexcusable, however. Please don't let that experience deter you from future opportunities Not everyone is an ass...

Best of luck!

[Alejandra]

Hello,

I just stumbled onto your blog and wanted to chime in on this post because I've also experienced similar things. I'm also trying to break into the writing thing and so I understand how nervewracking it can be when you meet someone that you perhaps build up a bit in your head. That guy's behavior was inexcusable, however. Please don't let that experience deter you from future opportunities Not everyone is an ass...

Best of luck!

[Carol]

That guy was just being a jerk, and his manners suck. Number one rule of networking, especially when you're speaking to someone who's interested in what you do -- NEVER EVER make someone feel inferior or stupid. Jeez.

I'll bet he has a short one.

[Kate]

It sounds like this oh-so-important, famous magazine guy was an asshole. He was trying to make you feel bad. What you do and think is important. Him? Not so much.